Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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