based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
