I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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