last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
