I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
