My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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