I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
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Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
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plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.