i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
