Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
