I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
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i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
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You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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