Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The air was thick with penises
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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