I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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