So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
