Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
