I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
The police scanner is talking about you again....
this will be a night to untag.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
