I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
