I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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