I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
