remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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