apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.