My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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