i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
