i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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