I hate your face
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Ketchup is God's man juice
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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