A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I need moral support for this bender
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
