I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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