can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?