YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
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one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
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Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.