If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
