is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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