i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
