Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
