Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
