My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
