I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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