Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
