he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
