Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
