I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize
