If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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