So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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