one two three fourrrrnication!
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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