Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
