I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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