Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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