I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
