Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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