I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
God, I missed his penis.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
