I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
