I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
