My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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