Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
