Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
