I'm so fucking centered right now
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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