Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
