my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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